Friday 13th August 2010

One year ago.

 

“Is that Mark?” asks the nasal voice.

“Yes it is.”  I’ve answered my mobile from a ‘Blocked’ number.  Nothing shits me more.  Most hospitals have blocked outgoing numbers, so, as a rule, I can’t screen them out.  But blocked numbers can equally come from marketing companies.  The nasal voice makes me think the latter.  “And who’s this?” I ask tersely.

“Shelley, the IVF Nurse.”

“Oh, right,” I sat.  “Shit, sorry Shelley.”  There I go swearing at her again.  “It was a blocked number.  It’s a pet hate.  Sorry if I was short with you.”

“Hadn’t noticed.  Anyway, I was just ringing you about your cycle.”

“Yes?”

“I’m still waiting on your Police Checks.”

“We’ve had them done.”

“Yes, but you haven’t brought them in yet.  For me to sight.  I need to see them before we can get your wife’s regime organised.”

“The Orgalutran?” I say stupidly.  Talking to this woman turns me into a git.

“And the rest.”

There is a pause.  “I’ll do that.  Sure.  But I can’t bring them in today.  I’m at work.  I’m sure I can early next week.”

“I’d appreciate that.  Susan’s treatment cycle will be commencing the following week, and we need to have it all ready.”

“That’s if we don’t get pregnant this month,” I add.  Pause.  “Naturally, I mean.  If we don’t get pregnant naturally.”  Another pause.  “We’ve been trying really hard.”

“Too much information, Mr. Nethercote.”

“Yes, yes, of course.  But we still hold out hope that we might just be lucky, in this, our last month.”  Long silence.  “I’ll bring it in for you next week,” I say, slightly deflated

“Thank you very much.”

“Okay, Shelley.  I’ll do it on Tuesday.  See you then.”

“Ah, one more thing.  Have you had a chance to read the ART Agreement?

“Yes, I have.  I made my own summary and everything.”

“Really,” she says, disbelievingly.

“Absolutely.  Wonderful document.  Such light reading.”  She taps away on her keyboard some more, something else for her database.  ‘Weirdo’, probably.

“Do you think you could bring that in too?”

“My summary, or the original?”  Pause.  Pause.  Pause.  “We’ll sign our lives away this weekend.”

“Thank you very much.”

“See you Tuesday, Shelley.”

I write on my hand in big black ink – ‘SIGN LIFE AWAY’.

I’ll do that when I get home.

 

* * * * *

 

Wednesday 11th August 2010

One year ago.

 

GENERAL INFORMATION CONSENT FORM – ASSISTED REPRODUCTIVE TECHNOLOGY (ART) PROCEDURES

 

Continued…

F. Consent to Use Culture Media Containing Human Serum Albumin

22.  Like they said before, they’ve got to discover new things at some time, and in some place.  That place might be in albumin.

For whatever reason, they buy their albumin from America.  If it was up to us, we’d use Australian or European Albumin, cause the Yanks pay people to donate blood.  But it ain’t our choice.

So, like before, blah, blah, blah, we can’t get angry, we can’t blame them for shit that hasn’t yet been discovered.

 

G.  Transport of Eggs/Sperm/Embryos between Monash IVF Centres

23. Even though I’m not allowed to take my sperm home, they can take move it to Queensland if their fridge breaks down.  No questions asked.

 

24. And if they crash the car, we won’t get angry.  They’ll scoop what they can off the road.

 

H. Pregnancy Follow-up

25.  They already know I’m not a criminal, but from time to time, they might want to ring up to see that my kid isn’t too.  And they’ll ask about his weigh and stuff at the same time.

 

26.  If my embryos end up in QLD, and Suse goes there to get pregnant, they’ll keep everyone in the loop about it.  They might even tell me.

 

27.  They are welcome to talk to my GP, even though I don’t have one.

 

28.  They’ll probably call every now and then, under the guise of research, to see how much sleep we’re getting with a newborn.

 

I. Privacy Policy

29.  It’s really important that we understand that they are real tight arses about who they tell about what’s going on.  They won’t let the cleaners know.

But, on the upside, both Suse and I can find out about the results.  We’re both allowed to know shit.

That is, unless Suse signs something to say I’m not allowed to know.  If this happens, they might lock me up in a dungeon to stop me from finding out.  But probably not.

But no one can stop our health insurance.  Sign whatever you like, nothing will stop them.  They’ll know results before Fleischer will.

 

J. Provision of Data to External Bodies

30. Our files might be audited by RTAC, HREC, NATA, VARTA and NHMRC.  If you say them all in a row, it sounds like you’re farting.  But don’t laugh.  These are the dudes who check shit to stop us from getting Brian’s baby.

 

31.  They frown very heavily on Brian.

 

32.  He causes them many headaches.

 

K. Options for Embryo’s following Divorce or Separation:

33.  If Suse and I get divorced, we must tell the following:

- Our friends and family,

- Our divorce lawyers,

- The IVF police.

Divorce is ugly.  And they will make it worse, by making us sit in a room together and talking.

While we’re there, we have to agree on what to do with all the bits in the freezer.

And we’re not even allowed to throw eggs at each other.

 

34.  If we disagree, the one who wants to keep the stuff in storage wins.  The other one is allowed to walk off in a huff.

 

L. Options for Embyro/s following the Death or Incapacity of Both Partners or a Single Woman

35.  If we both die, the embryos are destroyed.

 

36. If we are both simultaneously mentally incapacitated, brain dead, or permanently stuck on a ventilator, that would really suck.  They’ll keep the embryos in Howard’s storage for five years, in case either of us miraculously snaps out of a persistent vegetative stage.  It will be our doctor who judges whether we are still a vegetable or not.

Guess I’d better get one then.

 

M. Death or Incapacity of one of us

37.  If I die, then I can choose if I want to let Suse use the embryos.

If she dies, she can choose whether she lets me use them.

 

38.  For Suse it’s simpler, because she has a womb.  I would have to hire one.

 

39.  If this happens, then that would suck.  In Queensland, we’d just need some counselling to agree that it sucks, and written consent from our dead partner.  Which we’d hopefully attained at some point before the event.

 

40. In Victoria, the Department of Human Services also has to agree.  Presumably, that means that because we’re in Melbourne and not Brisbane, if I die, and despite our wishes, DHS might deny Suse this right.

 

41. They suck, and we agree.

 

42. Below is a legal document titled the ‘Advance Directive’.  In it, I agree that, should a cataclysmic event forsake me, that I let my wife have our child.  And she says the same for me.  It must be true love.

 

N.

a) Death or incapacity of the woman undergoing assisted reproductive treatment:

I, Susan, reckon that if I die, that it would really suck.

I, Susan, reckon that if I become a vegetable, that this would be even worse.

 

But if that happens, I hereby let my husband, Mark, rent a womb and have our kid.

b) Death or incapacity of the man undergoing assisted reproductive treatment

I, Mark, know that if I die, then that’s not a good thing.

I, Mark, know that if I become a vegetable, I’d be really pissed, if I could still think.

But if that happens, I hereby let my wife, Susan, use her own womb to have our kid.

And I really love her.

 

O.  Research

43.  They can look at our data, and they can ring us for future research studies if they want.  Given that we couldn’t have a kid without them, it’s pretty stingy to say no.  But if I’m a cold-hearted bastard, then I can take all your hard work and use it, and give nothing in return.

 

44.  I hereby consent to them using my leftovers for science:

Yes – I’m a reasonable human being.

No – I like cake, and I eat it too, thank you very much.

 

45. This is the bit about ‘surplus biological material’.  That means: sperm, blood, follicular fluid, testicular tissue, eggs which have failed to fertilise, and arrested embryos.

One can only imagine what they would arrest our embryos for, but given that we need a police check and agreement from DHS if one of us dies, it could be anything, really.  Maybe Suse’s embryos have an unpaid parking fine that we don’t yet know about.

 

* * * * *

P. Summary

There was heaps of shit above:

A. What we do,

B. What can go wrong,

C. What can go right,

D. What we hope happens with the embryos,

E. Where we put them, before they go back in my wife’s vagina,

F. How albumin is bad,

G. When we take them for a joyride to QLD,

H. How we ring you to tell you,

I. That means both of you,

J. And the regulatory bodies that sound like a fart that keep Brian’s babies to a minimum,

K. How to get divorced,

L. How to kill your partner,

M. What to do once your partner is dead,

N. The paperwork your partner signed saying it’s okay that you killed them,

O. And finally, that we’ll research your killing methods.

 

46.  Just for the record, someone sat us down and freaked us out about this with spoken words, not just these written ones.  She was called a counsellor.

 

47.  We’re so shocked, that we don’t know what to ask first.

 

48.  But I already wrote my name below, so now I’m totally fucked.

 

Signature:

Signature:

Address:

 

Good luck, sucker.

 

* * * * *

Wednesday 11th August 2010

One year ago.

 

The other day, I was banging on about the ‘Guide to Getting Started Handbook, Version 3.1’, and the ‘Treatment Cycle Handbook, Version 1.’

But there was one more booklet that I just couldn’t swallow at the time.

I read it tonight.

And it goes a little something like this:

 

1. GENERAL INFORMATION CONSENT FORM – ASSISTED REPRODUCTIVE TECHNOLOGY (ART) PROCEDURES

Within this legal document the following definitions are used:

 

- They/Them = The IVF dudes

- You/Us/We = You and your wife, dumb ass

- Fleischer = Your IVF guru

- Eggs = Things your wife makes

- Sperm = Things you make

- Embryos = The fertilised bits

 

In signing this form, we hereby agree to the following:

Informed Consent

There’s shit that they need to tell us about. This document is where they tell us all the really heavy shit.  We are welcome to ask questions.  At the end, we’ll need to sign to say that we’ve read the shit.

As well as this one, there’ll be more forms every single time Fleischer comes near Suse with a needle.

So get ready to sign for that shit too.

 

A. Treatment Information

1. There are a number of things they might do:

- Prepare you with drugs (your wife, not you),

- Before they collect the eggs,

- And mix them in a cup of your sperm.  (If you don’t have fresh ones stock, they might use some out the freezer)

- Then they’ll put them back in,

- Under anaesthetic,

- And keep the leftovers for an omelette,

- Or freeze them for a rainy day.

- And, remember, it rains a lot in IVF.

 

2. We hereby let them do aforementioned shit.

 

3. They’ll check if we have HIV, Hepatitis B or Hepatitis C.  Because that would really suck, and might change things a bit.  You know, given the whole police check thing, they might even send you to jail.

 

4. Training doctors are allowed to practice on my wife.  But only if they smile nicely.

 

5. We trust that Fleischer will make a shit-hot concoction to get my wife fertile as, bro.

 

6. And, like I said before, every time she comes near Suse with a big fat needle, we’ll sign a form that says ‘go for it’.

 

B. Possible risks and or complications

7. We understand that heaps of stuff can go wrong.  There are a lot of complications, including miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, and failure to get pregnant.  Like that hasn’t happened to us already.  The doctor might fuck up in untold numbers of ways – some that haven’t yet been invented.  If this happens, we promise not to get too angry.

 

8. Remember, there’s a 10% chance of having twins after IVF, because they can split with all the handling.  So only one embryo goes in at a time, okay?

 

9.  All right, If you’re a lunatic, she’ll put in two.  But she’ll shake her head while she does.

If you want three, you’ll have to go to India.

If you want eight, you’ll have to go on Oprah.

 

10.  And remember, Fleischer might fuck up.  And, like we said before, we promise not to get too angry.

 

11.  If one of the guys in the lab stabs themselves with our sperm, then that makes him a tool.  But he’ll want to check himself for rabies.  And we are cool with that.

 

12. This bit is so crazily important, that I’m going to quote it verbatim:

‘I/We understand that human controlled manual movement of microscopic material between laboratory dishes involves a risk of error that cannot be entirely eliminated…I/We are prepared to accept this risk.’

Interpret as follows:  We might get Brian’s kid.  We might get a Monday baby that fell off the conveyor belt.  We might end up with a black baby.  Whoops.   Sorry.  Shit happens.

All the same, we’re just going to have to trust them.

Cause we’ve got no choice.

But if they do fuck up, please don’t get too angry.

They didn’t mean it.

They just had a big weekend.

Oh, and the world might explode one day.

 

* * * * *

13.  Pay attention to this one too:

‘I/We understand that it is possible that in the future there could be ranges of possible adverse effects from the treatment, which as yet are unknown and could occur to the female partner or to any offspring conceived as a result of the treatment, and that no long-term information is currently available.’

This means:  They only discovered HIV in 1983.  They have to discover new shit at some time, or else it’s not new shit.  Let’s just hope they don’t find it in your wife and kids.

This is the shit they have to tell us that really is shit.

 

14. If we were psychologically unstable before, just wait till we start IVF.

Shit.

 

C. Possible treatment outcomes

15.  We’ve read the book, and we know the odds, as bad as they are.  But for IVF standards, they’re pretty bloody good, actually.

 

16. At the end of all this, we might not get pregnant.  Bummer, eh?

 

17.  And we might not be the one pulling the plug.

Understand?

 

D. Creation of Embryos

18.  By law, embryos can only be made to put in my wife.  We can’t make them to create a master race, or to send them to Mars.  The Government won’t let us.  They want to get the credit for the first Mars-babies.

But we can freeze the leftovers for the rainy day.

Future rainy days are known as FETs (Frozen embryo transfers).

They’ll thaw them before putting them back in.

Promise.

 

E. Embryo, Egg and Sperm Storage

19.  We are allowed to keep our embryos in the deep freezer for five years.  For $99.95 we can extend that time by another five years, and we might get a new set of steak knives.  If we ask nicely.

 

If we skip the country without leaving a phone number or forwarding address:

a) We are dickheads.

b) They take the steak knives back.

b) We can’t get angry if they throw our bits in the bin.   Because we signed a form to says that we are dickheads.

 

20. Our sperm and eggs, on the other hand, are frozen for ten years.

How weird.

 

21.  We can’t take our embryos, or our sperm or eggs home with us.  No matter what brand of freezer we have.

Unless, that is, they are still inside our bodies.

In which case, we can keep them on loan for the moment.

 

* * * * *

To be continued…