Wednesday 4th August 2010
One year ago.
This is a cycle. You’ve got about a 30% chance each time. That means a 70% chance of crying each month.
Sounds about right.
So, if we don’t get pregnant first time, Suse repeats urine and blood tests. No more injections. When she’s ready to ovulate, they thaw out one of our little friends, and repeat. This, we call the Natural Cycle. Snap freeze, then thaw slowly up to ninety-nine months later, microwave for twenty seconds, then put on a delicate cycle.
Air dry for best results.
* * * * *
The next section is my favourite bit. It’s the Male Partner Information Chapter.
It begins slow:
‘Male partners with low sperm counts, and/or low sperm motility and/or abnormally shaped sperm and/or who have antibodies against their own sperm, are classified as “male factor” patients according to the World Health Organisation Guidelines.’
I imagine the guy with the low count, low motility, abnormally shaped juzz and antibodies is really glad that he just has ‘male factors’.
After this, they lay it on a bit thicker:
‘Please ensure 3-5 days of abstinence from ejaculation prior to your partners e.g. collection date. Do not abstain for longer than 5 days.
Okay. Ground rules are good.
‘Prior to producing your sample, please urinate and wash your hands.’ Before or after I touch my penis?
‘Label the container with your full name, date of birth, partner’s name and time of collection. Unlabelled specimens cannot be used.’
‘Ensure you have removed the top from the jar.’
What the fuck?
‘After you have produced your sample, we ask you wait approximately half an hour while we assess the sample. You will be notified if a second sample is required, if not you may leave. If you have been asked to produce a second sample, you will not be required to wait for the results, but will be asked to provide a telephone number.’
So that someone can laugh at you over the phone.
‘We understand that providing a semen sample on the day of the egg collection can be embarrassing and stressful. We will endeavour to make this event as easy as possible for you.’
Except for providing any porn that won’t make you ill.
‘The semen sample may be produced at home and brought into the clinic in the appropriate sterile container.’ As long as you remembered to take the lid off.
‘It must arrive within one hour. Alternatively, the sample can be produced at the clinic and your IVF Nurse can book an appointment for you.’
This is a service I was not aware of last time. It probably costs extra.
‘When men are anxious and having difficulty producing a sample, a couple of hours break (i.e. a walk) may help. Please inform our staff, so that they can adjust their laboratory schedule.’
If you have stage fright, just give us a call, and everyone in the lab will move their lunch break around, so that they can applaud when you turn up with your unlabelled pot without a lid on it.
* * * * *
To be continued…