Monday 5th July 2010

One year ago.

 

“Hello, Cleo speaking.”  What a cool name.

“Hi there, I had a semen analysis on Friday, and I was just wondering about the result.”

“Name?”

“Nethercote.  N for November…”  You know the rest.

Cleo taps away for a few seconds.  “It was all normal, Mr. Nethercote.”

“Great.  Can I have the results?”

“Normal.”

“Yeah, but, what were the numbers?”

She pauses.

“Dr. Fleischer is away at the moment, so I won’t be able to release them to you.”

“Can I have a verbal?”

“No.  You’ll need to send in a letter, requesting release.  Then I will email Dr. Fleischer to see that she is happy for them to be released.”

“Great.  That sounds great.  Thanks for that.”

I hang up the phone, check a number and redial.

“Hello Andrology?”

“Hi, this is Mark, one of the Doctor’s at Cremorne Street.  I was just wondering if I could have some results on a patient?”  No lies here.  I’m a doctor.  I live in Cremorne Street.  And I want some results.

“Sure,” comes the easy reply.

“Great.  Can I have them faxed through?”

“Sure.”

Piece of cake.

* * * * *

	RESULT	RANGE
Last ejaculation	4 days	3-5 days
Volume	5.4ml	>2.0ml
Concentration	53.9 x 10^6/ml	>20.0
Progressive motility	72%	>50
Total motility	76%	>50
Total motile concentration	221.2 x 10^6
Abnormal forms	83%	<85
pH	8.1	>7.2
Alive	86%	>75
WBC	0 x 10^5/ml	<10
Classification	Semen parameters within normal range
COMMENTS	Patient is on dietary supplements
Sperm Antibodies	Not detected

 

* * * * *

So, all up, I’m pretty happy.  The volume was adequate, even though it was nothing like the fire-hose-volume of the dude on the 34cm screen last Friday.  But, I’m not trying to be a porn artist here.  Just a Dad.  Concentration was pretty good, no need to call the World Health Organisation over that one.

My progressive motility was 72% and total motility 76%, which can only lead me to believe that 4% of my sperm are unprogressive and likely to vote for Liberal. My pH is normal, most of the swimmers are alive, and I haven’t got any sperm antibodies.

But my abnormal forms are at a whopping 83%.  This means that five out of six of the little dudes are weird looking;  even if three quarters of them can swim, the majority of them will bump into the wall at the end of the pool.  But, in this plastic, hydrocarbon, pesticidal, long-haul-flight, mobile phone-carrying world, apparently we still call that normal.

Just let me remove my phone from my pocket.

There we go.

 

* * * * *

But, the flip side is that if I’m going to have 83% spazzy sperms, at least I’ve got 221 million of the little suckers, and not 39 million.  When the time comes, if we put 221 million in a Petrie dish with Suse’s eggs, then that’s 37 million normal looking sperm.  I think that should do.

The only real disappointment, in fact, was the comments section.  I was really hoping for something more.  Maybe along the lines of: ‘Well done, Mark!’ or ‘Way to go, champ!’  Or maybe, ‘Great volume, mate, bummer about the spazzy ones!’ or even, ‘Good luck with the healing, buddy!’

But I guess this is a lab.

Not a pub.

And I’m normal.

Numerically, anyway.

Phew.

 

* * * * *