Day 225

By , June 3, 2011 10:00 am

Sunday 6th June 2010

Gestation: 36 weeks, 2 days

One year ago.

 

“It came.  Finally.”

“Your period?”

“Yes.”

Suse looks at me with relief.  I take a breath myself.

But with that, I feel a pinch of sadness as well.

Despite what I knew, and what I’d hoped for, despite what it would have meant, each time she has her period, each time it comes, it is the extinguishment of that underlying hope.  That underlying knowing that one time – one fucking time – some time soon, Suse’s period will be late.

And it will be late, because there is a baby growing in her womb.

Even though it wasn’t this time, and it was never going to be this time, and we did just about everything we could to stop it being this time, you just can’t help it.

You just can’t help it.

You just can’t help hoping that it was going to be this time.

 

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