Tuesday 13th April 2010

Gestation: 28 weeks, 4 days

One year ago.

I walk into the bathroom, and as I see the white plastic thing on the bench, my heart sinks.

The pregnancy test is negative.

My heart sinks for several reasons:

1. I’m disappointed.
2. I thought we had two more days until this letdown.
3. I know how Suse is likely to react.
4. We are having dinner with my family, including my two heavily pregnant sister-in-laws.

Tonight.

* * * * *

“Does he do that thing with his words, too?”

I look at my sisters-in-law, my brothers, all of them at one end of the table, caught up in their stories.

“Uppsy Daisy!” they laugh in unison.  My younger brother picks up the book, showing me their reference, trying to be helpful.

We don’t begrudge them.  Not one bit.  Really, I am so happy for them;  for their happiness, for the families they have created.

Actually, in truth, maybe I do begrudge them a little bit.

It’s hard not to.  They’ve already got one each, and they’ve both got another on the way in the next two months.  Just a few weeks before we would have been due.

Both other brothers will have two kids in two months.

We’ll have none.

But I try not to begrudge them.  I really try.  We both do.  Because I’m really happy that they’ve all got what they really wanted.

But we do have to try.

Because, Christ it’s hard to be around sometimes.

I look across at Suse, and she bravely holds a smile.

She takes a deep breath in, before looking intently into her cup of tea.

* * * * *