Saturday 10th April 2010
Gestation: 28 weeks, 1 day
One year ago.
“Do you think my boobs are bigger?”
I look carefully, trying to keep an earnest expression on my face. Rarely are men invited to examine breasts, so when the invitation is expressed, regardless of the context, we jump at the opportunity.
Suse was relatively small-chested into her early thirties. Her breasts began to grow the year or two before I met her. To her distinct advantage and my blessing, this has meant that – despite the fact that she is now thirty-five – her breasts have the pert disposition of a teenager.
I turn my hands flat, like they are scales.
Like I’m being scientific about it.
“I’ll just need to check,” I say nodding, before moving up closer, and weighing them. She laughs. “They are definitely sizeable at the moment,” I say, after some more careful consideration.
“They get bigger when you’re pregnant.” I step back, frowning slightly. “Don’t worry,” she says, “I’m not getting my hopes up. That way, if I’m not, I’m not too disappointed.”
I nod, not saying anything.
“Although, my morning temperature has been good. And all of the other tests as well. You were pretty happy when you did your grid, weren’t you?” I nod. “And there was the mittelschmerz as well. Proper mittelschmerz this time.”
I distract myself by continuing to look at her breasts.
“And, as well as all of that, I ovulated from the right side this time. Which is the good side. The non-ectopic side.” She lets out a big sigh. “The best side for us to conceive from.” She pauses another moment. “It’d be kind of cool to be pregnant in winter, because then I’d be warm, wouldn’t I?”
These days, I don’t even have to speak. Suse is quite capable of holding an entire conversation about pregnancy with herself.
“We’ll just see what happens, eh?” she says, lifting my chin, still focused on her chest. “I’m not daring to hope too much. To dream too much.” She takes me into a hug.
Sometimes, even if you don’t dare dream, you do anyway.
Dreams are a bugger like that.
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