Tuesday 9th March 2010

Gestation: 23 weeks, 4 days

One year ago.

 

Tonight, we have a blow out.  A real, proper blow out.

No need to detail the exchange, other than to say that we both yelled as hard as each other.  The artillery used is not relevant, other than to say that both sides fought valiantly.

There were many casualties.

It was a blood bath.

* * * * *

It ends with Suse in the car, crying;  me, sitting on the edge of the foot cushion, my head in my hands, feeling the cold slate against my feet.

We stay like this for ten minutes, probably more.  I sit there, head in hands, hearing Suse crying through two panes of glass.  I feel the twist of emotion deep, for being part of this.

For feeling this wretched emotion too.

Eventually, twenty minutes after she first stormed passed me, I open the passenger door, and slip in.  I sit there, hearing her cry.  It is so much sharper right there;  without the insulation of the glass.

It hurts so much more seeing her like this.

* * * * *

Eventually, we head inside.

We go to bed, hugging tightly.  Suse falls to sleep like she wouldn’t normally, gripped tight in my arms.

So as not to lose her again.

Meantime, I wonder what to do.

How we dig ourselves out of this deep hole.

* * * * *