Day 155

By , March 31, 2011 10:00 am

Sunday 28th March 2010

Gestation: 26 weeks, 2 days

One year ago.


I turn to Suse and look at her, ready to speak.  She looks back expectantly.

“What is it?”

I pause for a moment.

“Can you check your health insurance…”  I stop again.

“What for?”

“To see that we’re covered for IVF.”

It’s a touchy subject this one.  There’s no good way of bringing it up.  At present, Suse and I still have our singles policies from before we were married.  And, as the insurance gods have deemed, it’s more expensive for us to combine our cover than it is to keep them separate.

That is, until we get pregnant.

She goes quiet.  “You think that we’re not going to get pregnant, don’t you?”

“No, Suse.  It’s not that at all.”

“Then why are you asking this?”

“Because it’s insurance.  If we’re paying $100 a month, we may as well know that we’re covered.”

“But if you think we need to be covered, then you think we might not get pregnant.”

I get up, exasperated.

“Yes, it’s a possibility.  Absolutely, it’s a possibility.  That’s why we have insurance,” I say with emphasis.  “I don’t plan on the house burning down, but we have house insurance.  I don’t plan on writing my car off either.  But it’s a possibility.  So we have insurance.”

I walk down the hall, before coming back into the room.

“I even have income protection, in case I become a quadriplegic.  Do I think that’s going to happen?  Absolutely not.  Do I have insurance?  Absolutely.”

But this is different.

This is about a very core desire.

This is about having a family.

And consequently – whether I like it or not – it’s got a whole lot more layers of complexity.  More than running my car into a pole.  Way more than our house burning down.  More even than becoming a quadriplegic.

Somehow, strangely, this is way worse.

 

* * * * *

Day 153

By , March 30, 2011 10:00 am

Friday 26th March 2010

Gestation: 26 weeks

One year ago.

 

“Have a look at this,” Suse says, as I walk through the door.

I follow her into the bathroom, where she stands before the mirror.  She slips the sleeves of her top down, revealing brandings on both shoulders.  Bruises the size of a cup, with clearly defined edges.  Two manufactured hickeys, one for each shoulder blade.

She then takes the hem of her top and pulls it over her head, revealing five more petechial couplets;  body art dotted up her spine.  There are track-lined markings tracing up between them, like she’s been run over Thomas the Tank Engine.  With that she turns to show me her front.  There are further lines of bruising tracing along her clavicles, with two more polka dots just below.

“You’ve been to see Steve?”

“Yep.”

“And you had cupping done,” I say, pointing to the dots.  She nods.  “But what’s with the train tracks?” I ask, pointing at her clavicles.

“Spooning.  Done with a spoon.”

“Spooning?  To go along with the cupping?”

“Yep.”

“Cupping and spooning.”

“Yep.”

“Sounds like an orgy where they serve tea.”  I pause, spinning her around like a model.  “How does it feel?”

“Bloody sore.”

Suse lifts her arms with a wince, and then takes me into a ginger hug.

Cupping is a process that comes from traditional Chinese medicine.  It is many thousands of years old, and works by creating a vacuum within the cup, sucking into it part of the skin and muscle, thereby creating a massive hickey.  They are placed on the body’s meridians, or acupressure points, to open them up, removing stagnation and allowing the energy to flow more freely.  Spooning, from what I can gather, is a variant of the same theory, but is done with a ceramic spoon and oil.

I had cupping on my upper back when I last visited Hong Kong.  It was my first experience of Chinese Medicine.  And while it felt unnerving while it was happening, the increased blood flow to the knots in my back muscles was far more effective than the five massages I’d had before it.

“How was the session otherwise?”

“Full on.”

“Good?”

“Really good.  Really, really good.  I’ll tell you all about it later.  But I’m absolutely knackered now.”

We stand there hugging.  In the mirror I examine my wife’s back;  her lithe arms around my neck, the dots all up and down, joined by markings, like a bruised game of snakes and ladders.

“Can I ask something, love?”

“Sure.”

“The next time another man cups and spoons you in the same day, can you at least put some foundation over the hickeys?”

She lets out a tired chuckle.  “Okay.  I’ll remember that next time.”

* * * * *

Day 151

By , March 29, 2011 10:00 am

Wednesday 24th March 2010

Gestation: 25 weeks, 5 days

One year ago.

 

I hold my wife, and as I do, I see a look in her eyes;  a simple love that I don’t feel like I’ve seen for a long time.  I couldn’t even say how long.

Afterwards, we lie there, hugging each other tightly.

“That’s how I want to conceive our baby,” she says.

“Same,” I say, quietly.

I look across at her, her eyes sparkling, as she looks at me in that same way.

So simply.

And filled with love.

“I don’t know what happened,” she says.  “I feel alive again.  I feel like someone switched the light on again.”

“That’s exactly how it feels for me too.”

I’m not going to question it.

There are things mere humans will never understand.

Just let it be.

* * * * *

 

Day 149

By , March 28, 2011 10:00 am

Monday 22nd March 2010

Gestation: 25 weeks, 3 days

One year ago.

 

I walk through the door, tired, readying for a talk.

“We have to talk,” I say.

“I know.”  Suse looks at me plaintively.

I sit, and begin what I’ve rehearsed.  “What happened yesterday was not cool.  I know we’ve been at each other over the last few weeks, we’ve been irritated and frustrated.  And that’s okay.”  I stop for a second.  “But what happened yesterday was not okay.  Everyone has their limits, and that was mine.  I’m not okay with that.”

“I know, honey.  And I’m sorry.”

“And I’m not innocent either,” I continue.  “I’ve been having a go at you about things too.  But we just need to respect each other, and remember why we love each other in the first place.”

“I know.”  A tear streams down her face.  “I know honey, and I’m so sorry.  I really am trying.  And I love you so much.  And it was so not okay to get angry at you for that.”  She stops for a second.  “It’s just that, sometimes… this whole thing…what’s happening to us… is really, really hard.”

“I know love.”

We hug each other.

Making much needed physical contact.

“I don’t want to fight,” she says.

“I don’t want to fight either.”

We hold each other again.  Properly.

And this ugly chapter closes.

* * * * *

That night, something has changed.  In some way, we’ve come to the brink, we’ve been really stretched, causing us to question everything.  But it ends with the same answer:  that, yes, despite all of the shit that has happened, we still want this.

We want this.  And we want it with each other.

And it fills us with a giddy light.

That night, we jump into bed, almost like newlyweds.  And, like newlyweds, we reconnect.

* * * * *

It’s been a shit-slurpee for more months than you can count on one hand.  The dog got run over, both of Suse’s shoulders gave way, we’ve had a miscarriage, and almost got multiple sclerosis and cancer.

But that’s okay.

Because like banging your head with a hammer, it sure feels good when you stop.

And that’s what has happened.  We’ve put the hammer down, and the lucidity of the stillness makes us euphoric.

It’s weird how nice it can feel when you beating yourself up.

* * * * *

 

Day 148

By , March 25, 2011 10:00 am

Sunday 21st March 2010

Gestation: 25 weeks, 2 days

One year ago.

 

It’s Sunday afternoon.  So it’s time to tinker.

Last week I bought a new car.  A little car, so that both will now fit in the driveway.  I’m determined that they will.  So I spend the afternoon rigging up a mirror system so they’ll fit.  It’s a close call.  Really close. Like, four centimetres close.

But only after cutting away a section of the fence.

I’m the dog, and there’s the bone.

* * * * *

Meantime, inside, I hear the sound of the bath running.  Suse has lived in her body for thirty-five years, and knows when she needs a bath.  She knows her limits, and when she just needs to treat herself gently.

Like when you just found out you’re not pregnant.

Again.

This is the time for a Sunday afternoon bath.

* * * * *

I cut and hammer outdoors, my industriousness in direct juxtaposition to Suse’s stillness indoors.  It’s the beauty of a marriage that two beings who find solace in the opposite, can work together.

Or not.

The irony being that while I am a flurry of movement on the outside, within I am focused and calm.  Suse is still as a post on the outside, and… well, you get the drift.

I walk into the house, all sweat and sawdust.  Suse is covered in a sheen of moisturiser, having just emerged in a dressing gown.

“Do you need your car tomorrow?” I ask.

“Yep.”

“Can we swap them then?”

“Give me a minute.”

A few moments later, I’m in my new car and carefully backing out of the driveway.  Suse backs hers out, and I come back in, looking at the newly rigged mirror, nudging my nose up against the fence.  As I do this, I hear a noise from behind.  I look in my rear-view mirror to see the image of Suse, in her car, the side mirror jammed up against the roller door post.

“This isn’t good,” I say to myself.  I actually do.  Like I’m in a movie, I actually whisper the message to the audience.

A second later, it begins.  “Fuuuuuccccckkkkk!!!!” I hear through two panes of glass.

I get out, ready for it.

“You just had to move the cars, didn’t you, Mark?  You just had to!  Look what happened!

Suse storms into the house, feet thumping against the floor.

“I’m sick of living in this shitty little house with its shitty little drive way!”  A primeval scream emerges from her lips.  She storms back up the hall.  “It’s all about your car, your precious new car, isn’t it?  It has to be all about you, doesn’t it?”

“What?”

“And when were you going to do the dishes?  They’ve been on the sink all day!  You said you were going to do them last night?”

“Hey,” I say, warningly, “let’s not make this about something else right now.  Don’t take this out on me because you’re a shit driver.”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“I’m going for a walk!”

“Good!”

I walk out the back with purpose, past the broken car, and half way down the street.  A comical moment ensues, as I’m forced to re-enter the house and scramble around for my wallet.

“Have you seen my wallet?” I ask, not really expecting an answer.

It’s hard to look furious while searching for your keys.

I leave again, this time through the front door, at least being able to punctuate it with a slam.  I walk again.  For a moment, I actually wonder whether steam is coming from my ears.  I notice the pressure in my head, the weight of all of this shit, all of this that has happened in the last six months, pressing against my brainstem.

I walk and walk, the ground hard against my feet.  I head, instinctively, for the pub around the corner.  I enter, wearing my paint-stained T-shirt and shorts, trying to look nonchalant.

A group of Gen-Y-ers look me up and down.

I stand at the bar for about a second, waiting for non-existent service, before poking my head around a corner.

“Can I grab a beer, please?”

“Sorry, we’re just closing.”

“Excellent.”

I leave, walking some more.  I do a loop, thinking, processing, trying to get clarity.  But all I feel is anger.  Fury at everything.  Anger at Suse.  Anger at what has happened – today and every other day of this saga.  Anger at every other fucker who can get pregnant.  But mainly – right now – anger at Suse.

And so I make a decision.

I head back towards home.  I walk back into the house, heading straight for the bedroom.  I walk straight past Suse, who is there at the sink, washing dishes.  I change from my work clothes into jeans and a top.

And then I leave again.

Without a word.

I get in my old car, the one not hemmed in, out on the street, and I speed off.  In a dramatic move, I drive five minutes down the road to a fast food store and buy a burger.

Meantime, Suse rings.  She leaves messages on my voicemail.  But I just need space.  So I text back:

‘Please stop calling.  I need space to cool off.  I will be home later.’

And then I go to a movie.

The movie is shit.

Or that’s how it feels, anyway.

* * * * *

I return home at 11.30pm, to find Suse on the couch, waiting up.

“I’m sorry, honey,” she begins.  “I’m so sorry that I abused you like that.  I’m really trying.  I’m just…”  Her voice trails off.

I resist the temptation to tell her it’s okay.

“Everyone has their limits, Suse.  Everyone.  And that was mine.”

I stand up and walk to the bedroom.

I change into pyjamas.

To get into bed and lie awake in the dark.

* * * * *

 

Day 147

By , March 24, 2011 10:00 am

Saturday 20th March 2010

Gestation: 25 weeks, 1 day

One year ago.

 

I walk through the door having been out for most of the day.  I dump my bag in the study and sit for a moment.  Suse appears at the doorway, framed by the… well, by the doorframe.  She rests her hand up against the wood.

“I just wanted to tell you that I did a pregnancy test today, and it was negative.  And I’m okay with that.”  I look at her and nod.  “In a strange way, I don’t think I was ready this month.”  Again, I nod.  “Anyway, what do you want for dinner?  Do you want to go for a walk?”

“Okay.  Whatever.  Sure.”

Her brow screws up.  “What do you mean?”

“I’m just responding to the three things you just said.”

“Oh, right.”  She looks at me with a smile.

“And you’re okay about the test?”

“Yeah, sure.  Why not?”

Why not?

Why not indeed?

* * * * *

Day 144

By , March 23, 2011 10:00 am

Wednesday 17th March 2010

Gestation: 24 weeks, 5 days

One year ago.

 

“Hello?”

“Oh, Hi Mark, it’s Nadine.  Have I got you at a bad time?”

“No, not at all,” I say hurriedly, pressing pause on the TV, rising to walk to the study.  “Libby said you were going to call.  Thanks for getting back to me.”

“No problem at all.”  In the background I hear the wheels of the car against the road, and a toddler making his presence known.  Even the Obstetrician has kids.

Everyone has kids.

“So how can I help?”

“Okay, where to start.”

I keep it brief.  It’s 9.13pm on a weeknight, and Nadine has taken time after a working day, and then a lecture, to listen to my bleeding heart.  So, as succinctly as possible, I tell her about the ectopic, Suse’s irregular periods, her negative result on the ovulation test last week.  And that it’s now been five months.

One hundred and forty-four days, in fact.

“And how are her periods normally?”

“Regular as they get.  You could boil an egg to them.”  Silence.  “I mean…they are spot on twenty-eight days.”

“And now?”

“They’ve gone off a bit.”

“Still between twenty-five and thirty-five days?”

“Yeah,” I say, unconvincingly.

“Well, that’s still okay.”

“And what about the ovulation test being negative?”

“Well, they’re supposed to be accurate, but if you miss the LH-surge, you can get false negatives.  And if her cycle is still pretty regular, it’s highly unlikely that she won’t have ovulated.  The whole thing is a cascade dependent on a complex chain of events – ovulation being one of them.”

“Okay,” I say, trying to remember things from medical school.

We talk about alternatives over the next month.  Basal body charts, saliva tests, second-half progesterone levels.  We also talk about potential investigations of her fallopian tubes – dye tests or a laparoscopy.

“But all of this is down the track, right?”

“Yes.”

“How far down the track?”

“Look, fifty percent of people are pregnant within three months of trying, seventy-five percent by six months.  It will have taken a couple of months for things to get back on track after the ectopic and the methotrexate.  So if you’re still not pregnant after six months of trying, it’d be reasonable to check things then.”

I hear the measured tone in her voice, one I’ve used many times before.  I suddenly hear my own tone, pressing for certainty in an uncertain world.  All I can do is absorb this sage advice and run with it.

“But,” she continues, “remember that you got pregnant the first time you tried, which is very reassuring.  Your sperm are good, and her eggs are good, which is the main thing.”

“Sure,” I say.

“We can work with that.  They’re the main ingredient.”

“Right.”

“We don’t need her tubes.”

I pause for a moment.  “Sorry?”

“We’ve got our own.  Test tubes.”

I stop again.  “Right,” I say eventually, the joke clunking slowly.  Humour with truth.  “Right.  Yes, right.”

It’s true.

The line goes quiet for a moment, and I hear further happy sounds from the toddler in the background.  I imagine him looking out the window, watching the cars, humming to himself, amused by the world around.  That’s how it sounds.

“Thank you, Nadine.”

“Sure.  My pleasure.”

“And we just need to keep having sex, right?”

“Right.”

I hang up the phone, and take a breath, before looking up.  By now, Suse is standing there, having listened to the majority of the call from our end.  She has an expectant look on her face.

“So what did she say?”

“The main thing she said,” I begin, ensuring I have her complete attention, “is that we continue to have regular sex.”

* * * * *

Day 141

By , March 22, 2011 10:00 am

Sunday 14th March 2010

Gestation: 24 weeks, 2 days

One year ago.


Suse and I go for a walk.  We cross the Yarra, strolling through the wrought iron gates and into the Botanical Gardens.  It’s an evening ritual, when we can manage it;  a chance to reconnect in nature, surrounded by trees and life.  Before I met Suse, I had little appreciation for nature’s beauty;  now, seeing the effect it has on her, I see the same reflected in me.  It’s undeniable.

We walk around our path, past the lake, listening to the sounds, watching the birds.  Admiring the evening light as the sun pokes through the clouds, colouring the world below.  I soak it through my skin, feeling the calm.  A pair of teenagers lie on the foreshore, pretending not to be desperately holding themselves back from stripping bare and going for it.

Suse turns to me, smiling.

“Things feel really good at the moment,” she says.  “Ever since seeing Steve, I feel so much calmer in myself.  It’s as if a huge weight has lifted.”  We walk on for a bit, holding hands, taking in the surrounds.  “You, know, when he saw me, one of the images I saw was really, really vivid.  I think I told you, but I’ve got to say it again, because it’s such an analogy for where I am right now.

“I dreamt that I was lying still, quiet and asleep.  And you know – when you see in a movie – the spirit of someone leaving their body, like when they’re dying, or sleepwalking or whatever?  You see a shadow version of them emerging and drifting out?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s what I saw.  Except that it was a dark shadow.  A murky, dark cloud.  And as it happened, right when it happened, I felt a weight come off me.  Almost a physical weight.  And ever since then, I’ve felt lighter.  Much, much lighter.”  She pauses.   “The dark cloud has lifted.”

We walk some more, quietly.

“When are you seeing him next?” I ask.

“In two weeks, and then two after that.  I think I need to see him for a few sessions.”

“I agree.  You’re in a really great place right now.”

“I know.”

We keep walking for a bit more.

“I actually might come along to one of those sessions, and get him to work on me.”

“Great.  Go for it.  What have you got to lose?”

A duck rears up on the water, flapping majestically.  It sprinkles water in an arc before settling again, as if he’s just having a stretch.  An old couple walks by, one with a frame, the other content to move at this slowed pace;  as if compulsorily, within these iron gates.

* * * * *

Day 139

By , March 21, 2011 10:00 am

Friday 12th March 2010

Gestation: 24 weeks

One year ago.

 

We diverge.

I visit my friends, while Suse goes on a girls’ night out.  Libby and Jack have just moved out of their beloved flat in Richmond, and into a house in Blackburn, to be closer to Libby’s parents.  They are – like every one of my friends – pregnant.  They already have a 15-month-old tornado named Fletch.  And on top of that, Libby is twenty-eight weeks gestation.

Fletch is a recent graduate from the short stay unit at the Children’s Hospital.  He spent six hours in the waiting room, and then twenty-four hours with a tube down his nose rehydrating his way through a bout of gastro.  The whole family subsequently got it last week, and it’s fair to say that Fletch is the only one who looks to have recovered.

It hasn’t slowed him one bit.

As I arrive, I walk through the door to find the three of them in the living area.  Libby looks tired, twenty-eight-weeks-tired, while Jack just looks full-time-dad-tired.  Fletch looks fine.

Fletch is a flurry of movement.  He barrels around the house, always running, never walking.  Since he learnt to balance, I have not seen him walk.

Not once.

Ever.

* * * * *

I’m given the guided tour through the house, in a state of repair, a builder friend of theirs helping with construction.  As we enter one of the spare rooms, Libby turns to me.

“Fletch isn’t usually allowed in here.  This is one of the special rooms.”

As if on cue, Fletch enters, looking around in awe.

“Fair enough,” I say, spotting four separate bare wires poking up from the edge of the carpet, at the back of the frame for a new set of robes.  “Very kid-friendly.”  I crouch down, recognising an ethernet cable, a phone line, a power line, and another unfamiliar cable.  “An unidentified electrocution device.”

“Yeah,” Jack says, stooping, “I haven’t figured out what that one’s for.”

With that, there is a noise.  We look around to see Fletch, his fingers gripping to a cupboard shelf, the whole thing angled precariously over him.  Libby’s hand holds it, millimetres from his head.

“He just pulled it onto himself,” she says in disbelief.  “He just reached out and pulled it.”  Fletch grins, oblivious to injury that was about to befall him.  “I can’t believe it,” she says.

“I can,” says Jack.

“I think we’ll lie that flat on the ground,” Libby says, her eyes still wide.  “And I think it’s time to leave here, Fletch.”

Fletch lets out an unimpressed squeal as he is removed from the room and the door shut.

“Can he reach the handles yet?” I ask.

“Not quite yet,” Libby says, sighing.

“I can wait,” I whisper, repeating my new mantra to myself.

“Sorry?” Libby says.

“Nothing.”

There is no hurry, Mark.

Appreciate your freedom.

You can wait.

* * * * *

Jack and Fletch go off for a bath, while Libby and I re-enter the kitchen.

“How’s Suse going?”

“Yeah, ummm…”  I pause.  She sees the look on my face.  “Up and down.  The ectopic has been hard – it’s been really hard.  And the hardest part is trying to stop it from become a project.  Becoming pregnant, that is.  It’s hard to not to let it become a big deal.”

“Yep,” Libby says, “I hear you.  You stress so much the first time.”  As if on cue, she takes a sip of wine.  She lets out a laugh.  “Second time around,” she says, waving the glass, “you chill out a whole lot more.”  She rounds the word ‘whole’ in her mouth like a gospel singer.

“I believe it.  It’s just that it’s been five months since the ectopic.  Her cycle is usually clockwork, but it’s still all over the place.  And she’s just worried about it.”

“Fair enough.”

“Do you think I could get Nadine’s number from you?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think she’d mind?”

“Hey, she’s a doctor.  You’re a doctor.  She lives for IVF.  That’s her specialty.  She’d love to help.”

“Not that I think we are going to need anything like that.”

“No,” Libby says, kindly agreeing.

“It’d just be good to have a chat to her.”

“Of course it would.”

“Just to know when I should start to worry.”

Libby looks at me, smiling in the way that only old friends can.  “Because you haven’t started worrying yet?”

“Shut up.”  She laughs heartily.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, when I was trying to get pregnant with Fletch, I used those ovulation tests to tell me when was the best time to have sex…”

“…Yes!” I burst in.  Libby pauses, but I quickly continue, “Sorry, no… I’ve got a story, but, I want to  hear this first…”

“Okay,” she says, winding up on a well-rehearsed tale, “well, I did those tests, religiously, day after day, trying to find out my peak days.”  I nod excitedly, urging her on.  “I get to the end of the seven days, and they’re all negative.  I start moaning to Jack that I’ve gone into menopause.  That I’m barren.”

“Yeah,” I say, still excited, “and… you just didn’t ovulate that month, right?  And it didn’t matter, because you got pregnant next month?”  I can’t help but try to finish.

“Nup,” she says, relishing the suspense, “even better.”

“What?”

“I got pregnant that month.”

“Sorry?”

“I got pregnant the month it was negative.”

“Really?”

“The test was wrong!”

“That fucking test!” I yell out.  “False negatives!”

“Fucking false negatives!” she yells back.

“Ninety-eight percent accuracy, my arse!” I yell.

“Both our arses,” she laughs.  “The fucking thing was totally wrong!  It tells me I don’t ovulate, I freak out, and I get pregnant.  All in the same month.”

“I hate those fucking tests,” I say, venom in my voice.

We both laugh again, taking a swig.  “Thank you,” I say.  “That is the best story I’ve heard all week.  We both get so caught up in it.  It’s hard not to.”

“How do you not?  It’s impossible.”

We go quiet.

“Did the packet have a purple woman on the side, smiling at a kid?”

“I hate that fucking woman,” she says.

I slap my leg, laughing so hard that I spill my beer.

* * * * *

 

Day 138

By , March 18, 2011 10:00 am

Thursday 11th March 2010

Gestation: 23 weeks, 6 days

One year ago.

 

Today, Suse has her session with our coach.

Yep, we’ve got the same coach.

I really feel for him sometimes.

Poor sucker.

And after this, she heads off to see Steve, another friend.

An intuitive healer.

* * * * *

This is the bit where I write about alternative therapies, and the dichotomy within me.  Of my fascination with differing treatment modalities.  And my default distrust of them.

As I’ve already said, Suse has tried many alternative therapies.  She’s seen Chinese medical specialists, an acupuncturist and has tried moxibustion.  She has previously seen a hypnotherapist, and another woman for pregnancy related healings.  And while I have a healthy scepticism for these, there is something in the unknown.  Together, Suse and I completed a two-year, self-help training course based around the ancient art of alchemy, and accessing our intuitive selves.

Through this, I’ve fostered an increasing interest in intuitive health.

Steve is an intuitive healer.

And today, Suse goes to see him.

* * * * *

It’s Friday night.  We sit there in the bath, sharing a beer.

“So?”

“So what?”

“Tell me all about it.”

Suse lets out a sigh, like she’s lost for words.  My wife is never lost for words.  “It was really full on,” she says finally, shaking her head.  “Such a full on session.”

She begins to explain.  From her descriptions, I interpret that Scott uses techniques where, through a process of meditation, he gradually releases memories.  He facilitates an understanding, working through a process, through guidance, of where things are for that person.

“So, he took me on this journey, where I found myself in another realm,” she continues, “and I realised that, at one stage, I had died in child birth.  That my child died before me, and then I died.  And I’ve been carrying grief about that, unresolved grief.  I haven’t moved passed this, I haven’t resolved any of it.  I’ve just been carrying it.”

She stops for a moment, contemplating.

“And then I moved into this space where I met all these grey souls.  So weird, and so hard to describe.  But when I saw it, I realised that it was okay.  That I would be able to have a child.  That we would be able to have a child.”  She grips at my hand.

“And I’ve just been carrying all of this fear around, this fear of not being adequate.  This whole… thing…” she says, waving her hands in front of her, as if trying to make it concrete, “is around that.  And I’ve been holding onto it, carrying it, right here.”

She says it without frustration, without anger.

She simply states it as fact.

And she points to her belly, anatomically, exactly where her fallopian tubes are.

“Man they’re so sore.  He moved so much energy from there today.”

I watch her as I listen.  And as I do, I feel the hairs rise on the back of my neck.  I realise that her voice is different, the quality of it.  It’s deeper and more mellifluous.  And I sense something deep inside me, or around me.  Despite all of my rational beliefs otherwise, I know that this is true.

“And, after that,” she continues, “I saw – very clearly – another vision.  One where I was giving birth.  And you were there.  And then you had this little argument with the doctor over who was going to cut the cord.”  I smile at the idea of it, at the accuracy of this likely outcome.  “And then we had the baby.  We had our baby.  And it’s all going to be okay.”

The hairs stay standing.  They’re all at attention.  This resonates.  Despite my distrust.

“This is what I was talking about,” I say.

“What?”

“This is what you needed,” I continue.  “In fact, I didn’t say this to you, but two nights ago, I was sitting there, while you were in the car, on the edge of the seat, wracking my brains.  Trying to come up with an answer.  With something to do.”  I pause.  “And I got a feeling, I realised that it was nothing that Western Medicine could provide.  It wasn’t something that I could fix.”  I stop again.  “This was it.”

“He’s the real deal, man,” she says.

“I know he is.”

She takes a deep breath, absently touching at her belly.  “I mean, this was so full on.  And it’s dug up some shit that no one has even come near.”  She stops for a second.  “I mean, I’ve been so down over the last couple of weeks, that I didn’t even want to be here any more.”

“I know, hon,” I say, softly.

“And now I can see where this has come from now.  For the first time.  What this weight has been about.”

We sit quiet for a moment.  We both take a swig of beer.

“When are you seeing him next?”

“Two weeks, on Friday.”

“Maybe I’ll come along and have a session too.”

“You should.”

* * * * *

Like I said, I’ve been trained to think in a certain way.  In a western medical model.  In an allopathic medical model.  As much as I am fascinated by alternative therapies, I can turn on them in a dime, casting them off as emotional quackery.

But I know enough, to know that my wife is deeply in tune with herself, more so than me.  And that, as such, she experiences things on a different level, on a more intuitive level, than me;  by default, deeply set in my masculine mind.

But as I lie here, in a bath, opposite her, relaxed and calm, I see a whole different being from the crying mess that was there in the car two days ago.

I get that sense.  I know it intuitively.  I’m with her.

There was something deeply spiritual in Steve’s healing.

There is some deep shit that happened there today.

As I look at Suse, I know that.

There’s more to healing than we understand.

You just have to look and you’ll see.

* * * * *

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